“Hey Sal, All of my single friends have recently paired off, and I’m left alone more and more often as they spend nights in with their boyfriends/man friends/whatever you want to call them. I don’t want to throw a pity party, so I need a strategy to ensure I don’t lose my friends and that I’m still out having fun - even if it’s without my best buds.”
- Tawnie, Andersonville

Don't be jealous, Little Suzy. I'm sure he has a cute friend for you!

Oh Tawnie, girl you know it’s true. Every winter the men bed down and snuggle up- much more interested in a bottle of wine and a movie than bar hopping in the freezing cold. But you also know what’s true come Cubs season- spring cleaning! And that means those same dudes are back to their old ways and rounding the bases all over town. Thaaaaaat’s neither here nor there; let’s move on to your problem.

It’s tough when your friends find someone special. Of course you’re happy for them and wish them all the best in their newly initiated relationship, but you suddenly feel very alone. Their bored CTA riding fingers are texting their guy- instead of you- telling him how packed the 22 bus is that morning. And rather than a night of red wine, girl talk, and bad TV, your friend is now cooking dinner with this guy and you’re chatting on the sofa. It can be a tough adjustment, but it’s not impossible or without advantages.

#1. Winter can mean getting in a rut and this is the perfect opportunity to cartwheel right out of it. Explore new places with old friends that you might have not seen in a while. Start packing your day planner with dinners and catch-up drinks. Chances are, you’ll be a busy bee and focus less on your non-buzzing home hive.

#2. Your friend shouldn’t be the only one getting benefits from this new man- you should too. A new guy means new friends, and new friends mean new introductions for you. While you’re getting to know him it’s also a chance for you to get to know his circle of possibly single buds. Go out with them on the weekends. Suggest you all meet up after dinner. Don’t be afraid to 3rd wheel into a new social network.

#3. Call it like it is and keep the rose colored glasses in check. Meaning, when you’re in a new relationship it’s easy to let old relationships fall to the side. Suddenly you’re a ‘we’ and you can’t remember how you ever went grocery shopping alone. So it’s important to- without annoying or playing the ‘poor me’ card- let your friend know that your relationship with her is still important to you, and should be to her too. Keep plans on the books, stay on her radar, and don’t let the fact that you’re spending less time with her hurt what’s been a long and fruitful friendship.

Good luck Tawnie! I think you’ll surprise yourself by just how many great things can come from this. Come Cubs season you’ll be playing the field with a full roster, and some on the bench. Network, explore new things, and keep your chin up!

This advice column is brought to you by the ever graceful, polished and in-the-know, Sally Jackson. Sally is happy to offer her tips and guidance on everything from relationships to fashion to saving money. If you have a question for Sally, go ahead and send your question to Info@PoorLittleRichGirls.com with subject “Hey Sal”

Originally published, March 12, 2010

“Hey Sal - I have a toxic person in my life. We use to have a good time together, but now I just feel like drama and problems surround her 24/7. How do I suck out the poison?”
- Deborah, Chicago, IL

Deborah,

I’m going to quote Dr. Phil on this one and tell you that you have to teach people how to treat you. As long as you allow others to be a drain on your life, it’s going to keep on happening. So, now’s the time to kick them out of the nest.

Did I say kick them out? I meant… feed them a little less. This person is a friend of yours, there’s no doubt that you two share friends and lives, so it’s best to tread softly. Make it clear that you weren’t put on this earth to be a catch all for their issues. The next time they try to bring up drama or problems, find a way to steer the conversation elsewhere. This doesn’t make you a bad friend. It makes you a friend who isn’t willing to listen to them chirp on endlessly about negativity. Having said that, you’ll have to use your judgment and knowledge of your friend in order to distinguish if there is a serious problem (domestic abuse, for example) that needs addressing.

If you find that this technique simply isn’t working, it’s time to fly away. As many good times as you might have had with this friend, sometimes it’s better to cut your losses than continue to pour resources down the drain. How can this friend reciprocate any sort of friendship for you, when the entire time you two are together they are talking about their personal drama? It’s not healthy, and you’ve got to get out. Make yourself less available, try to only see them in social situations that can’t turn into counseling sessions, and make it clear that you’re about staying positive and avoiding drama.

Teach this friend that when it comes to you, you’re not willing to be treated as a sounding board for their daily crisis’s and world wars. If they can’t learn how to be in a mature relationship, then you’ve got to kick them out.

A last minute tip? Don’t discuss this with other friends. Try and address it quietly to avoid even more toxic behavior.

(This advice column is brought to you by the ever graceful, polished and in-the-know, Sally Jackson. Sally is happy to offer her tips and guidance on everything from relationships to fashion to saving money. If you have a question for Sally, go ahead and email her at Sally@PoorLittleRichGirls.com)

“Hey Sal - I always end up paying more than all of my friends when we go out to eat. Some people add up exactly what they have, to the cent, and then they don’t leave money for tip - other people insist we split evenly when our tabs are far from equal. How do I pay my part without souring the meal?” - Marie

If I had a penny for every time this subject came up, caused problems, and sent diners cringing - I’d be able to buy everyone’s meal! Let’s face the facts - money issues between friends, no matter how small or irrelevant they may be, are awkward. One friend makes more money. One friend never covers his/her part. One friend never sees what the big deal is, it’s just a couple of bucks, right?
Wrong.

This situation is something you’ll encounter over and over, so rather than have a math lesson on long division, let me tell you how to simply remove yourself from the equation all together. BRING CASH. And I don’t mean two twenties - I’m talking small bills that will allow you to produce exact change. As you order, take note of your entrée and drink costs (be sure to factor in Chicago’s 10.25% tax and the server’s tip). That way when the bill comes, tell your group you’ve got exact change, and toss in the towel. If they decide to split, or someone doesn’t pay their portion - you’re out of the mix. (This gets tricky when you eat a communal appetizer, so if you take part in that, be sure and pay for it.)

On a side note - if you’re organizing the meal, you can be proactive. When you send out an email to remind everyone of the plans, also ask everyone to bring cash - that you “know this restaurant doesn’t like to split checks.” And that’s not a lie my friends because no restaurant likes to split checks. Save them, and yourself, the trouble.